happy tears stream uncontrollably down my face

~ and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this.. but, if it helps someone or brings awareness it’s worth it for me to step into this space of sharing... ~

for several months I wondered
if I would ever feel excited about the outdoors again or if indifference would be my new norm

am I simply just ‘over it?’, am I ungrateful?

depression is sneaky and I don’t fully comprehend it

it shows up differently for everyone

for me, it is high functioning in many ways

i’d go for a run or hike or climb and just didn’t really care about any of it..

i’d drag my butt out of bed and show up for work and give it my all, do a great job, but not celebrate it

i wondered if any of the excitement i’d once felt would return

or if i’d have to adjust to this indifference and simply get out the door anyways

to be honest i wasn’t fully aware

that i’d been absorbing everything around me

everyone’s experiences of the pandemic. stresses & anxieties.

in addition to my own.

it’s been suggested to me that anxiety/depression might be heightened with birth control. i wonder. low iron, too. perhaps.

and so.. a lot of healing, praying, sitting by the river and jumping into ice cold alpine lakes has been key.

recognizing that this was a chapter and it might appear again and it might not fully be gone... but seeing it and feeling it and knowing it helps.

the excitement is back. i am glad.